


The World Passes By

by lonely_beez



Series: End of May or Early June [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Blind Character, Canon Compliant, Character Death, Connor does die, I don't know, M/M, My own spin on it though, Social Anxiety, Social Media, Soulmate AU, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal characters, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Tree Bros, Very triggering, and this is the main ending, but I am making an alternate ending where he doesn't die, but the sadness comes first, conevan, evonner, soulmate colorblind au, trigger warning, triggering, why isn't Evan and Connors ship name Covan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-19
Updated: 2017-09-20
Packaged: 2018-12-31 13:14:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12133275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lonely_beez/pseuds/lonely_beez
Summary: Evan is slowly losing his vision and thinks he'll never be able to see again.A soulmate au where you are colorblind until you meet your soulmate but every time your soulmate attempts suicide you start to lose your vision and you can't see again until you touch your soulmate's hand. If you soul mate kills themselves you go completely blind for the rest of your life.





	1. Step Out of the Sun

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING (obviously)
> 
> Because Dear Evan Hansen deals a lot with mental illnesses like depression and anxiety there is probably a lot of triggering content in this. It is not wholesome and pure. It is making me cry and it was my idea. Please read with caution. I also talk about suicide and YES Connor's death is a suicide.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan has his first day of senior year and generally all goes to hell, but what's new?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a lot of dialogue in this scene that I do not own and did not write myself (because I could never write dialogue that good let's be honest) so all credits to Steve Levenson, Benj Pasek and Justin Paul who came up with this beautiful story in the first place and I'm just over here adding my own fantasies to. If you have any questions about how this soulmate au works please leave them in the comments. Also this is unedited so I'm sorry if it's awful.
> 
> UPDATE   
> I have updated and edited this chapter so there is some new content (hopefully it's more in character) and a slightly different ending

                Evan hadn’t had good vision in years. He couldn’t even remember the last time he could fully see. Of course, not everyone could completely see colors but Evan, well he just couldn’t see really at all. It didn’t always used to be like that. As a child, he could see just fine. It didn’t start until shortly after his 14th birthday. He woke up one day and everything was darker and the doctors couldn’t explain it. It wasn’t something that was really studied, it was just labeled as “soulmate anomaly” which was generally unhelpful and did wonders for his already low self-esteem.

                Evan took “soulmate anomaly” to mean that he didn’t have a soul mate, but his mom was determined that wasn’t the truth. She did all kinds of research and tried to find an answer, or a cure. Evan felt so guilty, the answer was so obvious, he just didn’t have a soulmate and that’s why he couldn’t see. Who would want him for a soulmate anyways. He was annoying and he mumbled and stuttered and he wasn’t confident and he was awkward and he repeated himself and why would anyone want him around? Oh yeah and he was going blind and maybe it didn’t have anything to do with a soulmate and he was just going blind? But, besides going blind, his anxiety was at an all-time high. He didn’t want there to be one more year of high school. He was ready for it all to be over. He had been ready for it to be over last summer.

But he couldn’t do that to his mom. And besides what could he so anyways? He would just be forced to suffer through another miserable year. Another year where he was there but no one noticed him and if they it wasn’t because they actually cared. But despite it all he still sat on his bed writing up a letter to himself.

‘Dear Evan Hansen,

Today is going to be a good day and here’s why, because today all you have to do it just be yourself. But also confident, that’s important and interesting, like easy to talk to and approachable but mostly just be yourself. That’s the biggest, number one most important thing.’

                And the letter continued on much in that fashion. The letters were kind of having the opposite of their intended effect. They generally just reaffirmed all of Evan’s doubts instead of making him see things more positively. His mom was so convinced they were going to work though. She was aggressively positive. It still didn’t help that much but it seemed like she was trying to make up for- well for something. She was determined that this was going to be a good year for him. He was supposed to get people to sign his cast today. Oh yay, not only did he have to try and initiate conversation with people but he also had to ask something of them.

                Even before being partially blind Evan was bad at talking to people but now, well he couldn’t even really see their faces and judge their reactions so how was he ever supposed to have the courage to people now. He couldn’t see now if they hated what he was saying so he could change it. And wat if he didn’t make eye contact because he couldn’t see their face or worse, what if he made eye contact for too long and made them uncomfortable? His vision was just making everything worse.

                When he got to school he ran into Alana, who while she was nice, was in a hurry to do- well something and she rambled for a minute or five and then left Evan, alone in the hallway again. He spent the time until Jared walked up trying to remember what exactly she looked like and trying to determine from the blurry mirage he’d seen of her if she had gotten taller or if she was just wearing taller shoes.

“It is weird to be the first person in history to break their arm from jerking off too much or do you consider that an honor?” Jared had showed up.

“It isn’t- I didn’t- I wasn’t- I wasn’t doing that…” Evan muttered.

“Paint me the picture, you’re in your bedroom, you’ve got Zoe Murphy’s Instagram up on your weird off brand phone-“

“That’s not what happened. Obviously.” _Oh god I hope no one else heard that._ “I was just- well, I was climbing a tree and I just fell.”

“You fell? Out of a tree? What are you like, an acorn?” Even without most of his vision Evan knew the look on Jared’s face right now.

“Well I was- well I don’t know if you know this, but I worked this summer, as an apprentice park ranger. Um, at Ellison State Park, I’m sort of a tree expert now. I mean, not to, brag. Anyway, but um, I tried to climb this forty foot tall oak tree-“

“And then you fell.”

“Well it’s actually- It’s a funny story though cause there was a solid ten minutes after I fell where I just lay there um, on the ground waiting for someone to come get me. I was just, any second now, you know I kept- I was just saying to myself any second now here they come.”

“Did they?”

“No nobody came um, that’s what’s funny.” Oh god it wasn’t really that funny was it, he shouldn’t have said it was funny. Now Jared is just pitying him.

“Jesus Christ.” Jared said, Evan couldn’t tell if it was all just humor or if there _was_ actually some pity in the statement. He didn’t mention that after he fell out of the tree his vision got three times worth over the course of the summer. Jared didn’t need to know that.

                He asked Jared what he did for summer and Jared made some more crude remarks and jokes about sex told Evan “tell your mom to tell my mom was nice to you or else my parents won’t pay for my car insurance.”

And just as Evan was about to walk away something else happened.

“Hey Connor, loving the new hair length, very school shooter chique.” A pause. “I was just, kidding. It was a joke?”

“Yeah no, it was funny, I’m laughing can’t you tell? Am I not laughing hard enough for you?”

“You’re such a freak.” Jared said with a scoff and Evan saw the blur that was Jared walk away. As Jared was walking away a strangled noise left his throat. Did he just laugh at Connor’s joke? Oh god no. He was going to die now.

“What the fuck you laughing at?” Connor said.

“What?” Evan’s brain wasn’t ready and didn’t have an answer to it.

“Stop fucking laughing at me!”

“I- no- I’m not- “

“You think I’m a freak?”

“No no- I don’t-“

“I’m not the freak!”

“No I wasn’t laughing-“

“You’re the fucking freak!” And Connor shoved him. And Evan was on the ground with his eyes closed, waiting for something else to happen. Then he opened his eyes and nothing was different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave me a comment I'll love you forever <3


	2. Even Make a Sound...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan finally sees

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING  
> The beginning of this chapter is very very triggering and talks about suicide attempts and suicide methods and hospitalization and weed and self loathing generally just bad bad things. So read with caution.
> 
> Also, if you read the last chapter before I am now posting this, please go back and re-read it (that sounds boring I know) because I made some changes to it, like some pretty big relevant changes which have in turned created small plot changes in this chapter.

                Connor was high, but he wasn’t _that_ high. Or at least he didn’t think he was that high. His family liked to berate him about it, send him to rehab try to care, but they didn’t even take to time to think that maybe being high was the only way he could get through life without feeling like the air itself was strangling him. Being high was like being able to breath just a little bit. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt _good,_ or even just okay. It was weird to feel like you were constantly walking through fog. Although that metaphor had become a little more literal as of late. Over the summer his vision had gotten worse. He hadn’t said anything to his mom cause then he would have to deal with the doctors and the questions and explaining to them why he was on drugs and occasionally trying to die.

                Connor had attempted suicide four times. The first time with not eating but it was too conspicuous and people started asking him questions. It was too much work. The second time with slitting his wrists but he had backed out on it and hadn’t cut deep enough so now he just had some nasty scars and a self-harm problem. The third time, with pills but he hadn’t planned it well and didn’t take enough pills so he just got sick in the night and threw them up. Finally, he had tried bleach, but Zoe had found him and called an ambulance and he’s survived it. He had spent a while in the mental hospital and was a bit better for a while but eventually the depression and hatred creeped back in slowly but surely.

                He never really thought much about how his suicide would affect others, except that his family would probably be better off without him. The therapist at the mental hospital had said that he shouldn’t kill himself because then his soulmate would never really get to “see” and how awful that would be and while that might have worked for some people, it didn’t work for Connor. He was convinced he didn’t have a soulmate. Cause, why would he? No one would want him around as a soulmate. He was hard to manage and generally mean and unlikeable, his “soulmate” would be better off without him, maybe even better knowing he didn’t exist and finding happiness in someone else. He read that sometimes you could have more than one soulmate.

                This was mainly what was going through his mind while he was trying to convince his mom to let him stay home from school. He hadn’t passed a class with above a C in years. Why did they sudden;y feel the need to push Connor towards education. Who cares if it’s the first day of senior year anways? It’s just like any other dreadful day of high school shitty and depressing. He lay his head down on the table as they debated about him like he wasn’t there until he decided, fuck this shit, and left.

                And just like he thought, school was going awful already. He pushed a kid in the hall, that really awkward kid, Alvin or Ewin or something like that. He couldn’t decide if he felt bad about it. But why did he even care, oh wait he didn’t.

 

____________________________________________

 

                It was almost the end of the day. Evan had made it, maybe. He still had an hour left after this free period, but then he would be done. No more school for the day. No more pretending to remember faces. No more pretended to be chill, if he even ever managed to pull that off. He didn’t feel like he had the best acting skills so surely everyone knew how weird he was. He was that kid with the anxiety. Hopefully that was all he would ever be. He didn’t want to be the kid without a soulmate too.

                But yes, only an hour left. He sat in the computer lab finishing up his letter.

_‘Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be?’_

He typed something about Zoe, Zoe who he wished was his soulmate but again, it was impossible and even if she was he would never have the courage to talk to her and find out. Besides, she would never be his soulmate, she deserved so much better.

_‘I know, because there’s Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don’t even know, and doesn’t know me. Maybe if I could just talk to her. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different._

_I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?_

_Sincerely you best and most dearest friend,_

_Me’_

 

He hit print.

 

“So, um, what happened to your arm?”

“Oh it um, I um, I fell out of a tree actually.”

“Fell out of a tree?”

“Yeah…”

“Well that is just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. Oh my god.” Evan laughed a little.  

“I know…”

“Um, uh, no one’s uh signed your cast.”

“No, I know.”

“Well I’ll sign it.”

“Oh, you don’t have to.”

“Do you uh, have a sharpie?”

Evan pulls the sharpie out of his pocket and hands it to Connor. Connor takes it and also roughly grabs Evan’s broken arm and Evan yelps a little in pain.

“Oh sorry” Connor mumbles. Connor writes his name on Evan’s cast in giant letters.

“Oh, great, thanks.” Evan mumbles. Just as Connor is handing Evan the sharpie back their hands brush and suddenly, the world is clear. Clear and in color. Full, vibrant, brilliant color. If Connor noticed he doesn’t say anything. Is Evan supposed to say something? What if it didn’t happen for Connor and it’s just one of those one-sided soulmate things that you sometimes see stories about in the news. That would totally make sense for Evan. Cause if he had a soulmate it definitely wouldn’t be the easy nice good kind. No no no, not for Evan and besides, maybe it was better for Connor if Evan wasn’t his soul mate. Connor would probably be a lot happier.

“Yeah, well, now we can both pretend that we have friends.” And with that statement Evan knew, the colors were not there for Connor,

“That’s, that’s a good point.” He said almost to himself and he turned to walk away.

“Is this yours? I found it on the printer.” Evan whipped his head around. “It’s, it’s dear Evan Hansen that’s your name right?”

“Oh yeah no no no no i’s just a stupid- it’s just this paper I have to write for an assignment-“

“Because there’s Zoe? Uh is this about my sister?”

“No not at all-“

“You wrote this because you knew that I would find it.”

“What?”

“Yeah uh, you uh saw that I was the only other person in the computer lab so you wrote this and you printed this out so that I would find it.”

“Why, um why would I do that?”

“So I could read some creepy shit you wrote about my sister and freak out right? And then you can tell everybody that I’m crazy!”

“What?!”

“Right!”

“No I don’t! No! No! No! No! but I really- I just- I need that back! So please can you just- Can you please give it back!” And Connor was gone.

__________________________________________

 

                Connor saw the nervous kid in the computer lab out of the corner of his eye. _Apologize to him Connor, he didn’t actually do anything wrong._ Well okay no way in fucking hell was he going to apologize, but he could like try to talk to the kid or something. He didn’t seem too bad. He went through the motions and it seemed okay. The kid, Evan, acted like he was standing on eggshells all the time. Connor kind of understood that feeling although he was sure that his eggshells were very different from Evan’s. He actually had thought it was going well.

                When he handed Evan back the sharpie and their hands brushed, something weird happened. He could see clearer, not in color or anything, but the world seemed less hazy. Connor decided this must be some kind of fluke, but then again, what if it wasn’t? Maybe he should keep talking to Evan. So, he pulled out the letter he found on the printer. When he saw Zoe’s name he knew, it was a fluke, and this was revenge for this morning.

                God, he was so fucking stupid not to see it! This was obviously a prank set up to humiliate him so the whole school would think he really was crazy. It would make sense too why would anyone actually be okay with talking to him in the first place? Why would Evan have let him get away with signing his cast. Looking at him with those frightened hazel eyes. This prank makes way more sense than anyone actually being nice to him. He left, quickly and took the creepy letter with him. No way was he letting Evan use it against him. But as he was leaving, through his rage he was unable to notice the colors slowly coming to life in the school hallway.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave me comments, they motivate me to write more. I'm actually debating turning this into a full fledged canon divergent fic so like if you want to see some happiness maybe please let me know I might write some more stuff for this. I really like this fic/universe.


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